The Guilt of a Survivor
by Pennypenngo
Summary: After years of being alone, Emma finally has a family. Despite having everything that she ever hoped for, she cannot accept it. What will it take to show Emma that she truly deserves to be happy. Emma's behaviour will make more sense as the story continues. Possible future TRIGGER WARNINGS.
1. Rage

**My my first ever fanfic *woop woop*. Please review (unless you think it sucks...then feel free to keep that to yourself), it's probably not great, but I generally take constructive criticism well, so be honest. Enjoy :) :) :)**

"Do you want me to heat that back up for you or are you happy just to stare at it?" no answer...Ruby tried again. "Earth to Emma" Emma looked up from her untouched hot chocolate, she was clearly startled "What's up hun?" Ruby inquired, she was worried, Emma rarely let anybody see that she was upset. "Nothing, I just needed a break" nope...she's not getting away that easily "A break from what Emma?" "Ruby I'm not in the mood". For Ruby, that was the last straw. Emma had been with her parents for over a year since they were reunited after the missing year, yet Ruby knew that her best friend felt like she was still stuck at step one, and all Emma was doing was pushing Snow further away. "Emma your never gonna be in the mood. As much as you would like to pretend that nobody cares about you or your feelings, we do care, and your stuck with us" Emma rolled her eyes and made a move to finally drink her cold hot chocolate "Talk to Snow...please!" Ruby pleaded "You're crushing her! You make her feel like she's close to you by calling her mom, but she knows it's just for show.", Emma couldn't believe what she was hearing, she stood up so that she was face to face with Ruby "Don't you dare tell me that I don't love my mother. You know nothing" Emma seethed thrusting the correct change in Ruby's direction and storming off with a jingle of the bell. Today was going to be a long day, Emma could tell.

Emma took the extra long route home...the one where she waders aimlessly for half an hour before realising how cold and hungry she is, especially after abandoning her hot chocolate. The whole time that she was walking, she thought about what Ruby had said. Ruby was right and she knew it, but she also knew that she didn't deserve to be loved or to be happy, especially with her mother.

She remains fairly calm all of the way to the loft door, and then her heart pace quickens. Ruby wants her to talk to Snow. If she doesn't talk to Snow then Ruby will make her talk in front of both of them, Emma just knows it. Just as Emma goes to turn around and figure out some sort of plan b, the front door swings open, "Emma, are you okay? Granny said that you had a fight with Ruby and stormed out of Grannies over an hour ago...what happened?" Snow asked, "I'm perfectly capable of figuring it out myself" Emma mumbled "Oh I don't doubt that" Snow chanted back before engulfing Emma in a massive bear hug. "I was so worried Emma! You weren't answering my calls, and Ruby seemed pretty upset". Emma tried to pull out of the hug...she didn't deserve this love, and to be honest it was quite overwhelming, but her mother was too strong. This made Emma angry. "Get off me" Emma growled, her mother stiffened before backing away and settling into an awkward silence. Sure Emma had never fully accepted physical affection, she had never rejected it. Neither of them really knew what to say, instead staring at each other for what felt like hours before Snow finally mumbled something about folding laundry and wandered off looking defeated.

All of the anger had left Emma now, and she just felt guilty. She sat in the room that she shared with Henry just staring at the wall. She knew that Snow was upset, she heard David comforting her goodness knows how long ago. She also knew that Henry was home from school, because she had heard David asking him to give Emma some space. Emma didn't like that. She didn't like how her family stepped on eggshells around her. She almost wished that her father would come up and scold her for it, he could yell at her all he liked, just like the foster fathers of her childhood. She didn't deserve to be loved, but she felt so guilty for rejecting it.


	2. Sweet Dreams

**Second Chapter...YAY! This chapter does need a** **TRIGGER WARNING** **because it is pretty dark. It contains implied abuse and death/serious injury of a friend, but most of it is open to interpretation. This is my first fanfic...please be nice! Review :) :) :)**

The rest of the night was a real mess for Emma, and to be honest, she didn't really remember much of it. She remembered feeling like she was being suffocated while hearing her mother cry, and she remembered feeling her world crumble around her when David decided that it would be best for Regina to take care of Henry that night. She also remembers how her son pleaded with David to let him stay because he was worried about Emma. The next thing Emma remembers is screaming.

At first she didn't really remember why she screamed, but soon enough she wished she never did. She remembered everything. She remembered dreaming about seeing her friend splayed out on the floor carelessly, she remembered the emergency vehicles and the social worker coming. She remembered the social worker kindly trying to get Emma into the car, and she remembered running. She was running back into her house towards her favourite hiding spot that she used whenever Mr. Ward got mad. She was running to her safe place where she could pretend that all of the noise was just from Mr. Ward because he had had a bad day at work, and that soon her favourite person in the world would get up off the floor and be there to make up stories about a little princess called Emma, and tell her about how everything was going to be okay. She was running...until herself being grabbed by two strong arms and time just stops.

It turns out that Mrs. Ward is far stronger that her ten year old body. "You need to let them take you Emma. This house isn't safe enough for you. They will help you find a home Emma. You will find your family, I'm sorry that it wasn't with me.". Although right then she loved Mrs. Ward fiercely, it was also the moment when any respect that Emma had for Mrs. Ward vanishes. That's the moment when Mrs. Ward handed Emma back over to social services. The very moment when Emma's childhood ended.


	3. Fight and Flight

**The Third Chapter has been created! Please review! There is SOOO long until the next season of OUAT :'(**

Emma was not really sure how long she has been sitting there for, but she was snapped out of her daze when she heard Snow's voice trying to help her control her breathing. She tried to lift her hands up to brush the tears away from her eyes when she realises that she couldn't move her hands. She looked down at her hands, only just realising the tight grip that Snow had on them...geez she was out of it! She felt the grip holding one of her hands fading and her chin being lifted. The moment that she locked eyes with her mother, Emma broke. It was like a wave had finally sunk her ship after years of surviving leaks and floods. As much as Emma felt guilty about the embrace her mother had her in, she knew that she needed it.

Snow never asked Emma why she was so upset. She had probably planned to, but Emma had cried herself into a fairly restful sleep before she really had the chance. Even though Snow couldn't talk to Emma, she knew that she couldn't leave her, so she settled for sleeping on the spare mattress that no one had really bothered to move since Elsa had gone back to Arendelle.

When Emma woke up the next morning, it took a while for her to work out what was going on. Why where the curtains drawn? Why wasn't Henry there? Why was Elsa's bed set up? Emma started to panic...what on earth had happened last night? She decided just to get dressed and sit it out. It wasn't until after she had gotten changed when what had actually happened had finally dawned on her, causing Emma to panic even more. Of course it was this very moment that Snow happened to walk in the door to pack up her bed. "Good morning Emma" Snow smiled. She didn't appear to notice that Emma never replied...it wasn't until a good five minutes later when Snow finally realised that Emma hadn't said a word or even moved a muscle since she had walked in. "Emma" Snow breathed as if she were trying not to frighten an animal (which was ironic considering Snow White was physically unable to frighten any animal). "Emma" Snow tried again raising Emma's chin "this is a judgement free house honey...you can talk to us. Talk to me...talk to somebody, we are worried about you Emma! You have been upset for a while, and you are too scared to tell us why. Nothing you could say could ever make me stop loving you Emma Ruth. I love you and I'll never stop loving you for as long as I'll live" Snow encouraged. She tried not to sound too distraught when her daughter mumbled something along the lines of "they all say that

Snow felt awful for her daughter, but she knew that she had to stop and think of a new way to prove her daughter of her love because everything had been said before by people who didn't mean it. After a few careful minutes, Snow started talking. "I can prove how much I love you Emma. When I was cursed...when we all were cursed, I missed you. I didn't even know what I was missing, yet those years were still the worst 28 years of my life. I had no idea who you were, yet I still cried myself to sleep at night. Regina could take away all of my memories of who you were, but she could never take away the love you had put in my heart. True love meant that my love and longing for you could never be replaced or removed by any curse because that's what true love is Emma. True love is stronger than any curse, it must be in order to break it. Nothing you say or do could ever take my love for you away. True love means that you're stuck with me".

Snow had been expecting Emma to chuckle, or (worst case scenario) maybe even for Emma to cry, but she had never expected anger. She had never expected Emma to yell about how she didn't "want to be loved", or how she "couldn't be loved", or especially about how she "didn't deserve to be loved". To be honest, Snow was confused. She had thought that Emma was no longer angry about her childhood, she had even told them as much. It wasn't until Snow heard the door slam closed that she realised that her daughter had run. She knew that she should go after her daughter, this time Emma wouldn't be alone.


	4. On the cold, wet pavement

**So my first fanfic hasn't been a complete failure...YAY! Enjoy!**

 **PS. To the reviewer who disliked the Snow/Charming inequity in this story so far...don't worry, I have stuff planned for him, so hang in there :)**

Emma had run.

Frustratingly, Snow came to this realisation moments too late. Before she had even reached the stairs, she heard the front door slam, and a very confused Charming calling after Emma. Less than five minutes later Snow was on a wild goose chase looking for her daughter. Snow usually would have left it longer so that Emma could cool down, but it was raining and this time Snow wasn't really sure where Emma would go. Snow knew that after Emma's blow out with Ruby, Grannies was out of the question. Snow was about to start the car to drive to Henry's Castle, (after assuming that it was probably where she had gone) when she saw a flash of blonde hair sitting hunched over in the corner of the car park outside the loft.

Snow ran towards the hunched figure, her heart clenching at the sight of her daughter. Snow knew that there was no point trying to talk to her daughter, she would just run again, but she also knew that she couldn't just leave her daughter. Snow let out a sigh of relief when she discovered that Emma had chosen a spot that was sheltered from the rain by the roofs of the buildings above it, and went and plonked herself down onto the mostly dry pavement next to her daughter, but not too close.

After what felt like hours of silence, it was clear that Emma was being stubborn and was not planning on giving in. Snow decided that she just had to hang onto the hope that Emma would co-operate and do this the easy way. "Em, if you need a break...just for a little while, you know that it won't break my heart right?" Snow paused. Emma hadn't run, but she hadn't really acknowledged Snow's presence either, she was contemplating how to proceed when Emma surprised her "I don't need a break." Emma stated simply. Snow was now even more confused than before, but at least her daughter was responding.

"I just...I...for me love is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's because I don't know how, sometimes it's because I'm scared and sometimes..." Emma trailed off. She wasn't really sure that she wanted to tell her mother this much, what if it hurt her? Then she felt her mother squeeze her hand, and she knew that she should continue. "Sometimes I just feel guilty". Emma was expecting her mother to interrupt, and say something along the lines of her not needing to feel guilty, but Snow never did.

"There were so many children in the foster system Mom. Most of the children in there were there because they had been abandoned or neglected or adoptions just hadn't worked out. Some had parents who were in trouble, or weren't able to take care of them, or were abusive. There were children in there for so many reasons and some of them didn't even know why they were there." Emma took a deep breath, desperately trying to control her emotions. She took a shuddering breath and then began to talk again. "It's just that the majority of these people will always be alone in this world. Some of these children will never even have the option to look for their parents because they are both dead, or don't want to be found, or...and I just..." Emma knew that she was failing to keep get emotions in check, but she decided to just keep talking. She needed this, and so did Snow. "...sometimes I feel guilty, not even just for the children, but for the parents too." Now Snow knew where this was going "Emma, you shouldn't feel guilty for giving Henry away..." or so she thought, until Emma cut her off "This is not about Henry or giving children away." Snow could tell that Emma was getting flustered, so she took a deep breath and let Emma do the talking.

"For the first few years after I gave a Henry away, I felt awful. All I wanted was to take him back, or even just to check that he was okay. After a while I convinced myself that I was no good for him, and eventually, that I didn't actually want him. Then came that day that he knocked on my door. That was the best day of my life. I was lucky...my kid came back, but other parents who gave up their children will never get that.". By this point, Emma had given up on holding back her emotions and had tears rolling down her face. The fact that Snow couldn't hug her daughter and take the hurt away was killing her. Instead Snow settled for draping her coat around a shivering Emma's shoulders, followed by a single arm to quench her craving to hug her daughter.

The pair of them sat there in a comfortable silence for several minutes, each pondering over what had been said. Snow had so many questions that she wanted to ask, but she didn't feel like it was right to ask them. Just then snows phone vibrated and Charming's photo flashed up on the screen.

"Did you find her? Is she okay? If you need me to, I can come pick you both up."

Snow chuckled, they were less than ten metres away from the loft door. They could manage. "I think I'm going to go save your father the trouble of discovering us himself. Care to join me? Henry will be home soon." Surprisingly, Emma found herself willingly agreeing. After a taking few minutes to make herself look more presentable, Emma followed Snow into the cozy loft (but not before taking the coat off - much to Snows amusement).


	5. Almost Week

**Authors Note: Hey Guys! Sorry this took a little longer than previous updates...I've been studying for exams. Speaking of exams, this is study procrastination at its best, so enjoy!**

 **PLEASE review! I would love you forever!**

It had been almost a week since Emma and Ruby had argued at Grannies, and despite the fact that Emma used to eat there everyday, she hadn't been able to bring herself to go back.

Eventually though, some how during that "almost week" without going to Grannies, Emma managed to find herself booked to go to there for lunch with her parents.

Once they got there, it took less than five minutes to confirm David's suspicions that it was a bad idea. Ruby had come up to their booth to take their order. Before taking the order (not that she really needed to, it was always the same) Ruby turned to Emma, who was deliberately ignoring her. "Em, I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I had no right to say what I said to you.". Emma didn't respond. This scared David, as usually when Emma was angry...you heard about it! "I would like a BLT burger with fries" Emma told Ruby, completely ignoring the apology. After a chorus of groans and disappointed glares and a certain Prince Charming claiming that he knew that this was a bad idea, Emma added "to go" onto her order, which only resulted in another round of disappointment, not that Emma really cared.

Snow and Charming then ordered (Snow making sure that Ruby was aware that everybody was eating in, earning a glare from Emma), and soon it was just the three of them along with a very cute gurgling blob called Neal. David and Snow shared stories with each other about the enchanted forest, leaving Emma to tickle Neal's tummy. Although Emma knew that the only reasons why they weren't involving her in the conversation were to give her time to calm down from talking to Ruby and because the subject of their conversation didn't happen to be something that she could relate to, Emma couldn't help but feel left out. She could see what real love looked like when Snow used a napkin to wipe some stray food off David's face, in all of the shared looks and the youthful chuckles, and when Snow stopped eating her food half way through her meal because Neil wanted food of his own. Suddenly Emma was surrounded almost suffocated by guilt once again, only this time it was different. Emma didn't only feel guilty for being loved or loving others, now Emma also felt guilty for not embracing all of this love. She suddenly realised just how much all of the children who she grew up with would have loved to be where she was now, and what they would think of her if they could see her now.

Even though she felt like she should be embracing it, Emma also still felt like she didn't deserve it. Emma could feel this internal war raging through her head. A war that was filled on one side with greedy foster fathers and children at school and in the homes who saw her as and target, and the other side consisted of a few optimistic social workers, Snow White, Prince Charming, and none other than Mrs. Ward.

Emma was just about to weigh up her options when she realised the creeping silence that had fallen across the diner, and the stares that she was recieving. "I'm sorry, did you say something? I kinda zoned out" Emma admitted, then Emma realised that everyone's gaze had drifted away from her, and towards the light in Grannies diner, which was flickering. Emma paled, "Um...I think I need to go cool down...I'll be back". With that Emma hastily exited the diner, much like she had almost a week ago, finding herself once again, taking the extra long route home.

David cleared his throat, which seemed to break everybody out of their haze and begin chatting and eating once again. "She isn't planning on coming back here you know. We might as well just head home." Snow sighed sadly, David just nodded in agreement. After moments of silence David spoke up "What do you say we give her half an hour, and then head home ourselves?" Snow seemed reluctant, but knew that it was probably what was best, they didn't want a repeat of what happened last time Emma lost control!


	6. A Toaster and a Butter Knife

**Hey Guys! I'm sorry I haven't updated for a while! Here is the next chapter...Thank you for the lovely reviews! Happy reading :)**

 **PS. This story is becoming WAYYY longer than I intended it to be, but hey, I might as well just roll with it :P**

When David and Snow did finally return home, they were met with several smashed light bulbs, and Emma, hunched over what was left of a toaster. "You know, if you need somewhere to channel your anger...I could always teach you archery" Snow said cautiously. The pair of them flinched when Emma waved a hand in their direction, both breathing a sigh of relief when they realised that it was just Emma using her magic to fix of the damage around her. Emma still hadn't looked up which made Charming worried. He was about to speak when Snow beat him to it "I thought we agreed, no more wreaking toasters!" Snow told Emma in a teasing tone. Emma snorted, and mumbled something alone the lines of "at least I can fix it this time" before waving her hand once again, and the toaster was now sitting in perfect working order on the bench top.

David was curious "Back at the diner Emma...what happened?" David asked carefully. When Emma was in a mood like this one, she could be quite unpredictable "I don't know" Emma replied, a little to quickly. She was hoping that they would buy it, but the looks she received suggested otherwise "Well I do know, but I don't think I'm ready to tell you" Emma amended...David sighed. They were back at square one, in fact, he wasn't sure if they had ever really moved. He felt like they were still waiting for their opponent - in this case Emma, to make her move.

"Will you ever be ready to tell us Emma? We are your parents! If Henry was upset, would you not want to know why?" Mary Margaret asked, trying desperately to mask her frustration. Right at that moment they heard a cough from the loft door which had been left open in Snow and Charming's mad dash to find their daughter. Soon three sets of eyes were trained on a rather guilty looking Regina and a worried looking Henry. Emma's walls went up like lightning. "I really am sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I would keep Henry longer, but I'm the mayor and duty calls." Regina stammered before backing away, obviously baffled to see Emma surrounded by desperate parents, flickering light bulbs, a butter knife and a recently repaired toaster.

After a Regina had left, Emma turned back to finish cleaning up what was left of her recent destructive activities as she subconsciously listened to Henry plonk up the stairs in his noisy school shoes. Once Henry had gone, Emma turned to Charming who was yet to find something to do. "Dad?" She asked. She sounded nervous, which worried David a lot. David paused for a second, trying to read the situation and then responded "Yes Emma". Emma's heart was beating one million miles an hour "As a foster kid, we kinda had to see therapists a lot...just as a precaution..." Emma trailed off, and David grabbed a stool and sat down trying to gesture to her to keep going, "I saw lots of different ones, depending on where I was at the time. I hated just about all of them, but there was one that was kinda okay." Emma rambled, talking so fast that David was very glad the he had decided to sit down. "I was just thinking that maybe...with all of this stuff that's been going on, I should go see her again. I could even take mom in there with me, but I don't know. What am I supposed to tell them? I would have to skip over all of this stuff about Storybrooke, so is it still worth it? Who do I tell them that mom is?". David sat there silently and nodded. Emma pulled up a stool and sat next to Charming "If it will help you then I think you should go ahead with it, but I also think that before you do any of it, you need to work out what ever it is that's going on between you and Red" David prodded, preparing himself for Emma's reaction. He knew that Emma would not be happy with his answer, but it was also what was needed to be done. Sure enough Emma rolled her eyes, and giving her best impression of a whining five year old let out an agitated "Dad!" followed by her signature "Really?". "But seriously Em, if it's what you want, we can make it work. You can tell her that you found your family living in a small town in Main, we had to give you up due to extreme circumstances, and that Snow is Mary Margaret - your sister, all of which is completely plausible". David grinned, which Emma returned with a shy smile. Doctor Holly - Emma's therapist, always made Emma feel better, and right now, that's exactly what Emma needs.


End file.
